By Evan Ortiz
Aries: Your selfconfidence is getting a serious boost! Today, you’ll finally be able to build that 1992 Chevy Camaro you’ve always wanted with nothing more than a paperclip, a fresh rum ham, a VHS copy of Dances With Wolves, and the Magna Carta!
Taurus: If you go outside, you’ll probably get struck by a flying ice cream truck. Thankfully, you’ll live with no injuries because you are a cartoon character. Your existence is at the whim of an animator’s pen. Get used to it.
Gemini: The next time you log on to Facebook, look up that boy you had a crush on in high school. You’ll see that he’s living the rich and fancy life: Money practically pours from his pockets. You’ll be jealous, but then you’ll realize that he grew up to be Colin Kaepernick so you’ll get a good laugh.
Cancer: Call your mom. She’s awfully scared of the rats living in the garage. She hasn’t been in there since your dad burned his J.K. Rowling book collection. He realized that the books were witchcraft, and your mom thinks the rats are now witches in disguise. Call her to remind her that, like witches, rats are not real.
Leo: Your entire life has led to this moment. After years of waiting, the New York Knicks will be here on Friday just to help you defrag your hard drive. They’ll be inside the Student Center from 9am-11am, giving out doughnuts.
Virgo: Hoo boy, today isn’t going to go so good for you. I won’t go into the gruesome details, but try to avoid anything that can be remotely considered a musical instrument. Just stay inside and reflect on the dangers of bears. You should avoid all bears as well. Libra: Don’t pick up that quarter that you’ll find on the ground. It belonged to the guy who invented Cheetos, and it’s got that nasty fake-cheese all over it. Plus, money is a human construct that has no meaning in the natural world. So there’s that. Scorpio: Since you’ve got the coolest star-sign, you should watch The Scorpion King so you can be humbled a little. Knock you down a peg. But boy, oh boy, isn’t Dwayne the Rock Johnson such a great actor? And he’s hot, too. I wish he was my math professor so I could see him everyday.
Sagittarius: Same as Leo, but you should know that your estranged brother will also be at the Student Center from 9am-11am giving away coffee and hot chocolate. He still loves you. He’s not a New York Knick, so you don’t have to worry about your bad habit. You know, the one that makes you slap a basketball player whenever you see them.
Capricorn: Avoid anyone who is Libra, Aquarius, Leo, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Pisces, Taurus, Aries, Cancer, other Capricorn, Gemini, and Virgo. Other than those, you should be all set. Also, you should not finish reading this sentence.
Aquarius: Next time you’re in an elevator with that girl you like, push a higher number than she does, and make a really big deal about it.
Pisces: He will not understand.