By Evan Ortiz
Aries: Today, yellow should be your favorite color. Wear that big yellow raincoat that your mother got you! She loves you very much, even if she told me to tell you that you should tell your sister to call her more often.
Taurus: That project you’ve been working on? It’s finally going to be finished! All that dedication, hard word, sweat, and animal sacrifice is really paying off. Let’s just hope the neighbors don’t come asking questions about their missing hamster!
Gemini: Good news for Gemini sports fans: the next Super Bowl winning Quarterback will be a Gemini, just like you! Who knows? It could be you! The Cleveland Browns are always hiring!
Cancer: Try to take some time for yourself. You spend too much time worrying about what other people think of you. Live for you and you’ll find true happiness.
Leo: You gals and guys don’t have a horoscope today, but you should tell all of your friends under the Cancer sign that they shouldn’t trust what they read in today’s paper. Fortune cookies should not influence people in life choices.
Virgo: AVOID ALL BASKETBALL COURTS AND ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.
Libra: You have a task this week. You must binge watch all seven seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Don’t ask why, there’s no time to explain.
Scorpio: Go visit your friend David because he has a gift for you. It totally isn’t a new hairstyle. The devil is his hairdo.
Sagittarius: You’re living in a quick world where every step you take brings you closer to that ice cream bar down the road. Avoid any mint flavored treats. If you get mint, you’ll drop it, and then you’ll burn your tongue trying to lick the frozen delight off of the hot tarmac.
Capricorn: Look up. Now look down. Now look left. Now look right. Now wait ten minutes before reading the next instruction. Now cower in fear as you come to the realization that time is a human construct and life has no real meaning.
Aquarius: Canada is not a country; it is an independent island nation state. In 2076, we will annex that nation state and make it the 51st state in the United States of America. How does this relate to you Aquarius folk? Well, you’ll be in Canada when the annexation happens. Keep your guard up, the protests won’t be peaceful.
Pisces: Write for the Campus Lantern, they’ll give you a high-five and their eternal gratitude. Also, the next time you see a can of Seltzer, pour it out on the ground and smash the can into a million pieces. Take a picture and send it to the Campus Lantern. The Opinion editor will understand.